Finding a new friend is like discovering good poetry; it begins with a sense of the unfamiliar, but with each verse, the meaning deepens and unveils nuances of understanding that carve a beautiful bond.
The nature of friendship at different stages of life may differ, but its core characteristic remains the same. Whether it is childhood friends you have grown up with, school or college friends with whom you navigated adolescence, work buddies, or people with whom you share common interests, there is a sense of security in knowing you are there for each other.
The art of making friends is important to cultivate, and this is widely recognised, but it’s equally important to value and nurture these relationships through the years. Let’s take a look at how friendships evolve through various stages of life.
By Your Side Every Crazy Moment
During childhood and teenage years, when we’re living at home with our parents, friends are very important to us but sometimes we can take friendship for granted. It could be that we’re busy with so many different activities that we spread ourselves thin. Or perhaps, we get our sense of security from other sources like our families, neighbours or hobbies so we end up taking friendship lightly. At other times we just have so many friends that we inadvertently hurt someone, or brush them the wrong way without meaning to. Teenagers are, after all, notorious for being self-absorbed - so they may not realise when their actions have caused a friend some discomfort.
As we grow older and leave home for college or boarding school, the need for a special friend or close friendship shifts from being a source of fun to being a necessity, friends become our security and oftentimes, our identity. With the gravitas mounting on this relationship, there is a natural need to nurture and preserve friendships. This is when we find ourselves bending over backwards to accommodate our friends, or going out on a limb to defend them.
Aarav was one such young boy. He left home for boarding school at the age of 15 years and was miserable that first day. When Dhruv patted him on his back and invited him to the canteen, he suddenly didn’t feel so alone anymore. From then on, the two boys shared not just meals, books, and a room but also adolescent struggles and stories. Theirs became a lasting friendship that spanned six decades. Of course, boarding school and hostel friendships are special - since you spend all your time together and become more like family. But once the hostel days are over the relationship can be strengthened by texts, calls and an effort to meet on a regular basis.
I’ll Be There For You
After graduating from college when you nab that first job and start working with other young adults - it can initially seem like an extension of college life, but as you and your friends get busier at work, or get romantically involved with someone, you have less time to spend with one another. At this time, friendship may take a temporary backseat - but this is also a time when we really need our friends. Many young adults struggle with the feeling of loneliness and isolation a few months into their new job. For those who didn’t have a young cohort of colleagues to start with, the struggle may begin earlier.
Adulting is far less glamorous than it appears. Depending on where you live, you could be managing the cleaning, laundry and cooking all by yourself, in addition to trying to prove yourself at work. This transition from a full-time student to a full-time employee is a tough one to navigate and could have its emotional ups and downs. A solid friend or a few solid friends can make this transition so much easier.
Michelle was overjoyed to join a bank in New York. She had worked hard throughout college and was rewarded with a high-paying job in the city. The first few months were full of excitement as she learnt the ropes of her new role and became financially independent. She was preparing healthy meals for herself, looking after her apartment and doing her own laundry. It took about three months for the shine to fade - by month four she was sick of juggling home and office, tired of burning the midnight oil at work, of saying no to invitations from friends who had less demanding jobs and sick of not sleeping more than 4-5 hours at night. Still, being the high achiever that she was, Michelle continued to push herself, giving her everything to her career. By the end of the year - her dinner had become takeouts, her apartment was a mess, friends had stopped inviting her and the laundry basket was overflowing. One day, during a wave of self-pity she decided to call Elena her friend from college. The two friends chatted, laughed and cried for a couple of hours and Michelle felt so refreshed. Not only that, Elena even offered to come over and help Michelle clear up her apartment. Suddenly the housework that had looked so onerous didn’t seem that way anymore. Michelle felt happier than she had in months, and that’s when she realised the importance of friendships. She still works late hours at the office, but now she prioritises her phone calls with friends and once every two weeks she makes it a point to meet her school and college friends for a few hours. She is still a little underslept, but she’s far happier and more optimistic about life in general.
Fostering Meaningful Connections
Another transition phase that jolts some adults is when they become parents for the first time. Suddenly life is no longer based just on their choices and whims. The nature of friendships they crave changes too. As a new parent Sue returned to work after her three-month maternity leave. She thought it would be business as usual. Lunches with her colleagues, occasional drinks outside post work and exchanging texts with friends on slow work days. She couldn’t be more wrong. Her lunches were truncated because she was pumping milk for the baby thrice during the course of the work day. Naturally, she felt guilty taking more than half an hour out for lunch. After work, she was tired and eager to return home and relieve her mum who was helping to care for the baby when she was in office. The jokes and stories that made her laugh with her colleagues earlier, no longer interested her. Now she was restless to know all things baby. Get answers to questions like what to do when the fevers come, what to do about colic, home remedies for nappy rashes and clear other such nagging doubts. Her colleagues too began to find her a bit boring. Work which was so fun and interesting suddenly started losing its lustre and she longed to meet young parents going through the same issues that she was going through. That’s when she signed up for a weekly Mothers and Me class - where she got the chance to meet other new mums. She talked to her heart’s content about her baby and got tips and tricks from other mums and the midwife who helmed the sessions. Gradually her friend circle changed completely - to basically these new mums, but she was happy. She began to rely a lot on these ladies that she had just met. What started out as a functional relationship had blossomed into a deep respectful friendship among the new mothers.
She sometimes missed the old feeling of camaraderie with her colleagues, who had drifted apart, but she also knew she had to give her attention to the task of becoming a parent.
Transitions come and go in a person’s life, and as social animals humans will always need friends, both old and new, to make these transitions smoother. Sometimes, we will want to hit pause on some friendships as we give others a chance to bloom and at other times we may want to keep our bond of friendship strong through thick and thin via phone calls, texts and regular meet-ups.
The important thing is to reach out and connect with those you really care for. Make that effort to remember their special occasions and schedule some time in your busy routine to let them know that they are thought of.
Social media has made connecting a breeze, so there is no excuse to not get in touch with those you want to. It does, however, also carry the risk that you end up connecting virtually with many, and in reality no one. To avoid this trap, try keeping a list of people who are really special and make that extra effort to connect, get interested in their lives and maybe even meet them from time to time. Who knows which friendship will be the most enduring one.
So, if this blog has got you thinking of someone you haven’t spoken to in a while, grab your phone and send them a text or call them right away!
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